1 Month Old - November 22nd 2009

Dear Emily,

I can’t believe you are already 1 month old! The time has gone by so fast since you were born. I’ve spent a lot of time just staring at you – and taking a ton of pics of you. The first week of your life, all I wanted to do was look at you and hold you. To say I was obsessed with taking your picture is speaking lightly. I just wanted to freeze time and that’s the only way I know how to do it! I just wanted to soak up all that was you – knowing this time was going to fly by! I looked at your little legs and feet and thought, this is what’s been kicking me all this time…you were quit a little mover and shaker while in mommy’s tummy. I wonder if that’s an indication of your personality. Me and your daddy are pretty hyper people, so the odds of you being a calm child are about a million to one!

The first time I saw you smile was on the day we brought you home from the hospital. I was sitting in your nursery rocking you and you smiled. It brought tears to my eyes – I was so overwhelmed with emotion – to have my baby girl home was both amazing and scary.

When we brought you home, we were going to put you straight into your crib to sleep at night, but I just couldn’t do it. I had separation anxiety! You were a part of me for 9 months and being in a totally separate room (even just down the hall) was unacceptable! So, we put you in your pack-n-play and I slept on the couch right next to you….well, I didn’t sleep much, but I just wanted to make sure you were breathing. The next night, we moved your pack-n-play to our bedroom and that is where you slept for the 1st 3 weeks. I slept a lot better with you close by, but Daddy didn’t. He just couldn’t sleep with you in the room b/c every little sound you made would make him wake up to check on you. We finally moved you into your crib and you did great. I started crying when I saw you in your crib for the 1st time b/c you were just so little. I thought to myself how fast you would grow and it made me sad.

You met your Grandma Roberts this month. She is your Mimi's mommy. She loves you and Abby so much. I love seeing her with you girls. Since your Mimi can't be here to hold you, at least her mommy can hold you for her. =)

You also met your Abby Grace. You don't know it yet, but she is going to be your best friend.

You’re a very small baby girl. Only weighing 5 lbs, 13 oz when you were born, you were only 5 lbs, 6 oz when we left the hospital. But, while you are little, you are strong! You already try to hold your head up and you push off mommy’s tummy with your feet so hard you could fall off of me! I have to be careful! You are ready to get up and move around!

You slept a lot this month. Everyone joked about how they never saw your eyes. You were just so small and it takes all your energy to eat and stay warm and cozy…you don’t have time to explore the world around you yet. That’s ok. Mommy has loved just holding you and keeping you warm and cozy.

NONE of your clothes fit you. You can't even wear the little newborn gowns yet - they swallow you whole! You wear the same onesies all the time. Most of the time, your clothes don't even match! I can’t wait until you can wear some of your cute outfits, but then again, I need to enjoy you being this small b/c you’ll be 17 years old in a prom dress tomorrow! Oh, daddy will have a hard time with that! Ha!

Your sisters, Gracie and Harlee, have accepted you ok. Well, Gracie has. Harlee is a bit jealous. She wants me to hold her anytime I start paying too much attention to you. Gracie loves to sit in your “Emily” chair. I think you might have to fight her for it when you get old enough to sit in it. =) Also, Gracie is use to sitting in my lap all the time, so on several occasions, while I’ve been nursing you, Gracie has climbed on top of the boppy pillow next to you and sits with us. Mommy was so worried about how they would react to you. I love your sisters so much. I hope to teach you how to love and respect animals – something your Mimi instilled in me. They are God’s little creatures just like us and deserve love and respect too.

I’m nursing you (something that made me very nervous before you were born). But, you’re doing great and we are learning together. You eat about every 2 – 2.5 hours. It’s a hard schedule for mommy, but I know it’ll be worth it. You wake up a couple of times in the night to eat. Our night time feedings are the sweetest times because you are awake after you eat (you have your days and nights mixed up right now). You fall right to sleep after you finish eating during the day and start having what I call the “baby dream smile.” It’s the cutest thing ever. I managed to finally capture it in a pic – just not with my “good” camera. =(

A fun fact – you hum while you eat! It’s so funny and cute. I have yet to capture it on video (since we don’t want mommy’s boobie on camera), but maybe I’ll try to capture the sound you make.

Some more fun facts – You have the most wrinkled little knees. I think it’s my fav part about you right now. They are soo cute! Soon, they’ll be filled with baby fat, but for now, they are so wrinkly. You also are little harry thing. B/c you were born a little early (2 weeks), you still have little hairs on your back, arms, and ears. This hair kept you warm while in mommy’s tummy. Don’t worry though, you won’t be harry for very long. But, I’ve loved having a little monkey. =)

While I’ve loved having you home, it has been a bittersweet time. I have been a bit sad because my mommy (your Mimi) isn’t here with me. Every single time I’ve looked at you, I’ve thought of her. This is not an exaggeration – EVERY time I look at you, I think of her. I imagine how she would hold you and love on you. I say things to you that I think she would say – I give you “baby kisses” like I know she would do and call you “sugerbuger” and “Emmie Wimmie” b/c I know she would call you that. She would just be eating you up with a spoon! I know she dreamed about the day she could meet her grandchildren. You and Abby Grace would mean the world to her…you would be her world. She LOVED her girls (me and your Aunt Lisa) and the fact that she now has two more girls to love (you and Abby) would just make her entire life complete! Plus, the fact that you look like me would have her over the moon. To see you in the little outfits I use to wear would bring her to tears, I’m sure of it. I absolutely HATE that she isn’t here and it makes me very sad, but I have to stay strong for you and believe she isn’t here for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is just yet, but maybe we’ll find out one day. I hung her picture on your crib, so she could watch over you while you sleep. I truly believe she is watching over you and Abby – your guardian angel. Sometimes, I wonder if you see her too. You sleep a lot, but when you are awake, you stare off into space – you stare very intently at something on the ceiling and even smile. I wonder if you are seeing angels that I can’t see – maybe seeing your Mimi. You were born almost 1 year after she left this earth and missed her birthday by only one day. My prayer is that you and Abby will grow to know and love your Mimi. Even though she isn’t physically here with you, she is always in your heart. You are a part of her. Your Mimi was an amazing person and she was able to teach me and your Aunt Lisa how to be strong, independent girls. We have been devastated by her absence, but have been able to pick up the pieces and keep going – something she would’ve wanted us to do. Sure, there are moments of sadness and we will never forget her, but “life goes on” as Mimi told us. I hope I can be half the mother to you that Mimi was to me and Aunt Lisa. My life would be fulfilled if I could achieve this. She was hands down, the best mama in the world.

I can’t wait to see how you change over the next year. So far, all you do is eat, sleep, and poop…ha! But, you also….sleep in my arms, make my heart smile, hold my fingers, give me sweet baby dream smiles, hum while you eat, bring joy to my life, cause worry and anxiety to your sister, Harlee, and smile at your Mimi who watches over you every day.

Love,
Mama