"Somebody's going to push my family off a cliff pretty soon and I won't be there to catch them and that breaks my heart, but I have some time to sew some nets to cushion the fall and that seemed like the best and highest use of my time, so I can curl up in a ball and cry, or I can get to work on the nets." ~ Randy Paucsh
Mama worked for the phone company for 43 years (since she was 18 years old!). She could’ve retired a long time ago, but she absolutely loved her job. Most all of her friends with the phone company had already retired and would constantly ask her…”when are you going to retire?!” She talked of retiring in 2009. I always thought she was probably waiting on me or my sister to get pregnant. I had such awesome dreams for her retirement. What an awesome bond she would be able to build with my babies. She would be SUCH a good Mimi. I also couldn’t wait to see her with them and how they would interact with her. She would be like a 2nd mother to them. She LOVES my dogs just as much as I love them. I couldn’t begin to imagine how she would love her grandbabies. I was even more excited for my babies – how lucky they would be to have her as their Mimi! How much fun we would have picking out baby stuff!
Of course, when I would talk about her keeping my babies, her response was always, “I hope I’m able to” Or “If my health is good.” I would get so frustrated at these responses because she was not sick. Why would she say these sorts of things? Then again, she’s always told me that she didn’t feel she would live a very long life. Her father passed away at 67. She felt like her fate would be similar to his. I would simply try to ignore these negative thoughts. But looking back, she had an incredible intuition.
Then again, she had incredible intuition about everyone and everything. My mama was always right about everything! This is a fact that I lived with my entire life. Sometimes it was a nuisance as it meant that I was wrong a lot. =) She seemed to always have a crazy way of knowing how things would turn out or know the best way to handle things. I relied on her opinions so much. No matter how big or small a problem, she would always make me feel better about it. Just the simple act of “telling” her my issue would make me feel better. I guess that’s just a mother for you though. My mother’s strange intuitive abilities were confirmed at her visitation when every single one of her former co-workers told me the same thing:
Your mama was always right – we could always call her and she would give us the answer or if she didn’t know the answer, she would find it. She was a very sweet, reliable person.
I believe her last day of work was Monday, June 30th. However, looking back, she had started bringing personal items home from work over the past few months. She had brought EVERY picture frame home. I asked her about it and she just said, I’m so stressed out that I just might walk out and retire on the spot one day! I didn’t question her motives.
Unbeknown to us, she had doctor’s appointments lined up for Tuesday and Wednesday (July 1st and July 2nd). She had a HUGE fear of going to the doctor. I still can’t believe she even went at all. She went to the doctor completely by herself. She knew something just wasn’t right with her, but didn’t want anyone to worry. Actually, I’m convinced she knew something was seriously wrong with her for quite some time and didn’t tell anyone out of fear we would push her to see a doctor. She must have been so scared. Her doctor took one look at her “spot” and told her that it didn’t look good. He even prayed with her. He did a biopsy and told her that he would call to let her know the results. She went home alone to wait…alone.
On Thursday, July 3rd, she received the phone call that would change her life (and ours) forever. The biopsy showed the cancerous cells of malignant melanoma - the most aggressive and deadliest form of skin cancer. Her doctor simply told her to spend as much time with her family as possible. She received this news completely alone. Then, she sat alone all day contemplating how to break the news to my dad, sister, and me. She knew we would be absolutely devastated. After all, mama was the center of our family!
It was a scorching hot, sunny day on July 3rd. I had been trying to call her all day long, but she never answered – neither work or cell number. I finally reached her around 5 pm and she asked if Lisa and I would stop by (since our boys were playing softball). I hesitated (in my mind) to come over because Michael and I were supposed to leave for Atlanta the next day and I still had to pack, but I never hesitated to her (thank goodness). So, Lisa and I (along with our dogs) headed to their house.
When we arrived, Lisa and I walked straight to the backyard to let our dogs out and mama followed. Dad soon joined us and we all sat outside. Lisa and mama sat in the swing together, dad sat in a chair next to the swing and I was standing in the yard with my dogs.
We were not outside for very long when she said, “I went to the doctor today.” My reaction was, “Mama, I’d been trying to call you all day – why didn’t you tell me?!” Then, she held out her arms and they were both black and blue from all the blood work. Then, she said, “I’m a diabetic (pause/pause)…and I also have cancer.”
Hearing my mama say, “I have cancer” is the most horrible thing I’ve experienced in my life (2nd to watching her take her last breath). I replay this moment over and over in my head like a movie at least once or twice a week. Sometimes, I can even still feel the same empty/shocking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
When she broke the news to us, she told us straight out that it was going to move fast and she didn’t have a lot of time. I looked at Lisa and she was literally as white as a sheet! My legs became jello – I had to sit down on the ground. But, I didn’t cry. I remained very calm (strictly for her sake)…I was absolutely DYING inside though – my mind racing with questions. After talking to her for a few minutes about it, I had to pretend like I had “to pee” – acting very nonchalantly about it. The second I got to the bathroom, I collapsed to the floor in hysterics. I pulled myself together and cleaned my face – I didn’t want her to know I had a breakdown. When I got back outside to her, I decided to just try to brush her off and tell her how she can’t predict the future and she must remain positive – you’re going to fight and beat this, yada, yada, blah, blah. However in her eyes, she was just being realistic – I don’t have a lot of time, she told us over and over. I wanted so much to be positive, but in the back of my mind, I knew she was always right about everything.
It’s almost like a part of me died the day I found out the news. As always, in the end, she was 100% on the mark with her intuition.
10 weeks and 2 days later, she was gone.
Mama worked for the phone company for 43 years (since she was 18 years old!). She could’ve retired a long time ago, but she absolutely loved her job. Most all of her friends with the phone company had already retired and would constantly ask her…”when are you going to retire?!” She talked of retiring in 2009. I always thought she was probably waiting on me or my sister to get pregnant. I had such awesome dreams for her retirement. What an awesome bond she would be able to build with my babies. She would be SUCH a good Mimi. I also couldn’t wait to see her with them and how they would interact with her. She would be like a 2nd mother to them. She LOVES my dogs just as much as I love them. I couldn’t begin to imagine how she would love her grandbabies. I was even more excited for my babies – how lucky they would be to have her as their Mimi! How much fun we would have picking out baby stuff!
Of course, when I would talk about her keeping my babies, her response was always, “I hope I’m able to” Or “If my health is good.” I would get so frustrated at these responses because she was not sick. Why would she say these sorts of things? Then again, she’s always told me that she didn’t feel she would live a very long life. Her father passed away at 67. She felt like her fate would be similar to his. I would simply try to ignore these negative thoughts. But looking back, she had an incredible intuition.
Then again, she had incredible intuition about everyone and everything. My mama was always right about everything! This is a fact that I lived with my entire life. Sometimes it was a nuisance as it meant that I was wrong a lot. =) She seemed to always have a crazy way of knowing how things would turn out or know the best way to handle things. I relied on her opinions so much. No matter how big or small a problem, she would always make me feel better about it. Just the simple act of “telling” her my issue would make me feel better. I guess that’s just a mother for you though. My mother’s strange intuitive abilities were confirmed at her visitation when every single one of her former co-workers told me the same thing:
Your mama was always right – we could always call her and she would give us the answer or if she didn’t know the answer, she would find it. She was a very sweet, reliable person.
I believe her last day of work was Monday, June 30th. However, looking back, she had started bringing personal items home from work over the past few months. She had brought EVERY picture frame home. I asked her about it and she just said, I’m so stressed out that I just might walk out and retire on the spot one day! I didn’t question her motives.
Unbeknown to us, she had doctor’s appointments lined up for Tuesday and Wednesday (July 1st and July 2nd). She had a HUGE fear of going to the doctor. I still can’t believe she even went at all. She went to the doctor completely by herself. She knew something just wasn’t right with her, but didn’t want anyone to worry. Actually, I’m convinced she knew something was seriously wrong with her for quite some time and didn’t tell anyone out of fear we would push her to see a doctor. She must have been so scared. Her doctor took one look at her “spot” and told her that it didn’t look good. He even prayed with her. He did a biopsy and told her that he would call to let her know the results. She went home alone to wait…alone.
On Thursday, July 3rd, she received the phone call that would change her life (and ours) forever. The biopsy showed the cancerous cells of malignant melanoma - the most aggressive and deadliest form of skin cancer. Her doctor simply told her to spend as much time with her family as possible. She received this news completely alone. Then, she sat alone all day contemplating how to break the news to my dad, sister, and me. She knew we would be absolutely devastated. After all, mama was the center of our family!
It was a scorching hot, sunny day on July 3rd. I had been trying to call her all day long, but she never answered – neither work or cell number. I finally reached her around 5 pm and she asked if Lisa and I would stop by (since our boys were playing softball). I hesitated (in my mind) to come over because Michael and I were supposed to leave for Atlanta the next day and I still had to pack, but I never hesitated to her (thank goodness). So, Lisa and I (along with our dogs) headed to their house.
When we arrived, Lisa and I walked straight to the backyard to let our dogs out and mama followed. Dad soon joined us and we all sat outside. Lisa and mama sat in the swing together, dad sat in a chair next to the swing and I was standing in the yard with my dogs.
We were not outside for very long when she said, “I went to the doctor today.” My reaction was, “Mama, I’d been trying to call you all day – why didn’t you tell me?!” Then, she held out her arms and they were both black and blue from all the blood work. Then, she said, “I’m a diabetic (pause/pause)…and I also have cancer.”
Hearing my mama say, “I have cancer” is the most horrible thing I’ve experienced in my life (2nd to watching her take her last breath). I replay this moment over and over in my head like a movie at least once or twice a week. Sometimes, I can even still feel the same empty/shocking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
When she broke the news to us, she told us straight out that it was going to move fast and she didn’t have a lot of time. I looked at Lisa and she was literally as white as a sheet! My legs became jello – I had to sit down on the ground. But, I didn’t cry. I remained very calm (strictly for her sake)…I was absolutely DYING inside though – my mind racing with questions. After talking to her for a few minutes about it, I had to pretend like I had “to pee” – acting very nonchalantly about it. The second I got to the bathroom, I collapsed to the floor in hysterics. I pulled myself together and cleaned my face – I didn’t want her to know I had a breakdown. When I got back outside to her, I decided to just try to brush her off and tell her how she can’t predict the future and she must remain positive – you’re going to fight and beat this, yada, yada, blah, blah. However in her eyes, she was just being realistic – I don’t have a lot of time, she told us over and over. I wanted so much to be positive, but in the back of my mind, I knew she was always right about everything.
It’s almost like a part of me died the day I found out the news. As always, in the end, she was 100% on the mark with her intuition.
10 weeks and 2 days later, she was gone.
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