Over the next two months, I watched my mother get sicker and sicker. But, more than that, I watched a person on a mission. A mission to prepare her family for her inevitable departure – a family that relied heavily on her existence to function every day!
I love the analogy that Randy Pausch, author of “The Last Lecture,” used during an interview with Diane Sawyer. Randy was an amazing person - a professor who was diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer with a wife and 3 small children…he was devastated by the fact that he was about to be forced to leave them, but made the most of what time he had left with them.
He said, “somebody’s going to push my family off a cliff pretty soon and I won’t be there to catch them and that breaks my heart, but I have some time to sew some nets to cushion the fall”…so, I can curl up in a ball and cry, or I can get to work on the nets.”
I love this analogy because it perfectly describes what my mother did for us when she became sick. Actually, I almost feel as though she is STILL doing this - with the birth of Abby Grace and Emily Elaine. She is trying to keep us busy and moving forward with life. One thing she told me while she was sick was, “you’ll be sad when I’m gone, but life will go on and you will have to go on too.”
Yes, she was absolutely devastated by her diagnosis, but her main focus became “sewing nets” for her family. Immediately, she started writing things down in a notebook…insurance policy info, bank account info, how to take care of her dog, Roxy (give her a Puparoni each day as a treat, make sure she has water, etc.). She even wrote down who she would like as pallbearers at her funeral.
She also wanted to find the perfect place to be buried. She received the news from her doctor on a Thursday and that same weekend, we were looking at burial plots. Keep in mind, she had only seen a general doctor – not an oncologist. We didn’t know what stage she was in, but she knew it was bad and didn’t have a lot of time to waste.
After visiting several times, we found the perfect spot – right by a big tree (she loved trees) complete with a bench for us to visit. With this established, she would rest easier knowing where she would be laid to rest and that we would be able to come see her (close to home). Plus, it would save us the worry of trying to find a place we “think” she would like.
Mama and I even went shopping for the outfit she would be buried in. We bought it from Belk at Northpark Mall. Of course, at the time, I played it off as if she was just buying this outfit to wear normally - not for her burial! But, we both knew what we were doing. It was the last time we ever went shopping together.
Next on her list was getting her (mainly my dad) out of their house of 36 years. She knew how hard it would be for him to have to live in that house without her. With ENDLESS memories wrapped up in that house, how could he ever go back there to live without her??!! Plus, her and my dad had been looking at houses for as long as I can remember. It was almost a hobby for them – driving around on weekends, searching for their dream home.
With this came lots of clean out! We pulled out boxes from closets and the attic and went through them with her. We cleaned out her jewelry boxes and cabinets with china and dishes. She touched everything in that house – telling us what was important and what was junk. We went through our baby clothes with her – found the outfit we came home from the hospital in…How could we have done this without her? I can’t imagine going through that house and not having her there to answer questions like, “what is this” and “where did this come from?” A person accumulates a ton of stuff over 36 years. Mama helped us go through everything.
Then, she found “the house.” This is a house she had seen before and liked, but it went off the market. Well, it was put back on the market when she became sick (a total God thing). We went as a family to check it out and she knew immediately it was the one. It was a perfect size, had little extras (granite counter tops and wood floors), but best of all, was only a few houses down from Lisa and about a 3 minute drive from my house.
She would say things like, “you can put DADDY’S Christmas tree here” and “my hospital bed can go here.” Of course, we would brush her off saying – it’s not JUST Daddy’s tree and you will not be in a hospital bed ! Of course, as always, she was right on both accounts. The tree sat right where she said it would sit (without her around to see it) and her hospital bed sat right where she said it would sit.
We cried a lot together, but also had some great conversations. I just tried to soak in EVERYTHING she was telling me. One of my biggest issues I’ve had with her not being here is the whole grandbaby thing. This was also a huge fear I felt when I learned she was sick - her never getting to see her grandbabies. I became almost obsessed with this – I wanted to go shopping for them with her and pick out a name, so I would know that she would leave the earth knowing their names. I also wanted to make sure she liked their names. This is why I chose Emily Elaine for my baby girl’s name – I know mama liked it.
I wanted her to buy them something, so I could tell them it was from their Mimi and have it be true. I was so upset (and still upset) that she would never get to experience the joys of being a grandmother, as well as upset for my babies never getting to know her. I knew their relationship would have been so special. I couldn’t wait to see it grow. I felt (and still feel) so cheated out of this. I feel as though my babies have been cheated. But, I know I can't dwell on this. I’m just going to try really hard to make Emily, Abby, and all future babies know her. If I have to flash pictures and videos in their face of their Mimi everyday, that’s just what I’ll have to do. =)
We did find a couple of items during the house clean out that mama had already bought her grandbabies. Some little wooden puzzles she happened upon at Old Time Commissary one day and thought were cute – she bought them and shoved them in a closet for later. When we found them and asked her about them, she told us they were for her grandbabies. She had also bought them some little silverware sets. So, our babies do actually get a few gifts from their Mimi. =)
I believe with my heart and soul that my mom is still up in Heaven sewing nets for us…
A couple of months after she passed away, we put our old house on the market and it sold in ONE WEEK! That’s unheard of right now! Even the realtor told my dad how lucky he was to sell it so fast and that his wife had a hand in it from upstairs. =)
Then, 2 months after mama passed away, Lisa learned she was pregnant with Abby Grace. She wasn’t even trying for a baby! This little girl literally saved our lives – our little “Saving Grace” I’ve tagged her b/c we were able to focus on planning for her arrival instead of sitting around dwelling on my mom not being here.
A few months later, I became pregnant with Emily Elaine. I just knew it she was a boy, but when the sonogram lady told us “it’s a girl,” I KNEW it was my mom’s way of intervening some how. She knew how special it would be for me and Lisa to have girls together. Plus, we have so much girl stuff from when we were little – little dresses, baby jewelry, dolls, etc. – all stuff my mom bought us that now our girls can have. So, both Emmie and Abby get to have things literally from their Mimi. =)
I have such bittersweet memories during the 2 months she was sick. It was such a WHIRLWIND - by the time we hit her funeral, I felt like my head was literally spinning and I was going to wake up from the nightmare at any moment.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream. But, my mom helped us get through the worse experience of our lives. We were literally able to grieve with her, which I feel really helped me accept the fact that she is gone. She is the bravest, most amazing person I’ve ever known. She helped us say goodbye – there would be no way I could’ve said goodbye without her preparing me.
I love the analogy that Randy Pausch, author of “The Last Lecture,” used during an interview with Diane Sawyer. Randy was an amazing person - a professor who was diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer with a wife and 3 small children…he was devastated by the fact that he was about to be forced to leave them, but made the most of what time he had left with them.
He said, “somebody’s going to push my family off a cliff pretty soon and I won’t be there to catch them and that breaks my heart, but I have some time to sew some nets to cushion the fall”…so, I can curl up in a ball and cry, or I can get to work on the nets.”
I love this analogy because it perfectly describes what my mother did for us when she became sick. Actually, I almost feel as though she is STILL doing this - with the birth of Abby Grace and Emily Elaine. She is trying to keep us busy and moving forward with life. One thing she told me while she was sick was, “you’ll be sad when I’m gone, but life will go on and you will have to go on too.”
Yes, she was absolutely devastated by her diagnosis, but her main focus became “sewing nets” for her family. Immediately, she started writing things down in a notebook…insurance policy info, bank account info, how to take care of her dog, Roxy (give her a Puparoni each day as a treat, make sure she has water, etc.). She even wrote down who she would like as pallbearers at her funeral.
She also wanted to find the perfect place to be buried. She received the news from her doctor on a Thursday and that same weekend, we were looking at burial plots. Keep in mind, she had only seen a general doctor – not an oncologist. We didn’t know what stage she was in, but she knew it was bad and didn’t have a lot of time to waste.
After visiting several times, we found the perfect spot – right by a big tree (she loved trees) complete with a bench for us to visit. With this established, she would rest easier knowing where she would be laid to rest and that we would be able to come see her (close to home). Plus, it would save us the worry of trying to find a place we “think” she would like.
Mama and I even went shopping for the outfit she would be buried in. We bought it from Belk at Northpark Mall. Of course, at the time, I played it off as if she was just buying this outfit to wear normally - not for her burial! But, we both knew what we were doing. It was the last time we ever went shopping together.
Next on her list was getting her (mainly my dad) out of their house of 36 years. She knew how hard it would be for him to have to live in that house without her. With ENDLESS memories wrapped up in that house, how could he ever go back there to live without her??!! Plus, her and my dad had been looking at houses for as long as I can remember. It was almost a hobby for them – driving around on weekends, searching for their dream home.
With this came lots of clean out! We pulled out boxes from closets and the attic and went through them with her. We cleaned out her jewelry boxes and cabinets with china and dishes. She touched everything in that house – telling us what was important and what was junk. We went through our baby clothes with her – found the outfit we came home from the hospital in…How could we have done this without her? I can’t imagine going through that house and not having her there to answer questions like, “what is this” and “where did this come from?” A person accumulates a ton of stuff over 36 years. Mama helped us go through everything.
Then, she found “the house.” This is a house she had seen before and liked, but it went off the market. Well, it was put back on the market when she became sick (a total God thing). We went as a family to check it out and she knew immediately it was the one. It was a perfect size, had little extras (granite counter tops and wood floors), but best of all, was only a few houses down from Lisa and about a 3 minute drive from my house.
She would say things like, “you can put DADDY’S Christmas tree here” and “my hospital bed can go here.” Of course, we would brush her off saying – it’s not JUST Daddy’s tree and you will not be in a hospital bed ! Of course, as always, she was right on both accounts. The tree sat right where she said it would sit (without her around to see it) and her hospital bed sat right where she said it would sit.
We cried a lot together, but also had some great conversations. I just tried to soak in EVERYTHING she was telling me. One of my biggest issues I’ve had with her not being here is the whole grandbaby thing. This was also a huge fear I felt when I learned she was sick - her never getting to see her grandbabies. I became almost obsessed with this – I wanted to go shopping for them with her and pick out a name, so I would know that she would leave the earth knowing their names. I also wanted to make sure she liked their names. This is why I chose Emily Elaine for my baby girl’s name – I know mama liked it.
I wanted her to buy them something, so I could tell them it was from their Mimi and have it be true. I was so upset (and still upset) that she would never get to experience the joys of being a grandmother, as well as upset for my babies never getting to know her. I knew their relationship would have been so special. I couldn’t wait to see it grow. I felt (and still feel) so cheated out of this. I feel as though my babies have been cheated. But, I know I can't dwell on this. I’m just going to try really hard to make Emily, Abby, and all future babies know her. If I have to flash pictures and videos in their face of their Mimi everyday, that’s just what I’ll have to do. =)
We did find a couple of items during the house clean out that mama had already bought her grandbabies. Some little wooden puzzles she happened upon at Old Time Commissary one day and thought were cute – she bought them and shoved them in a closet for later. When we found them and asked her about them, she told us they were for her grandbabies. She had also bought them some little silverware sets. So, our babies do actually get a few gifts from their Mimi. =)
I believe with my heart and soul that my mom is still up in Heaven sewing nets for us…
A couple of months after she passed away, we put our old house on the market and it sold in ONE WEEK! That’s unheard of right now! Even the realtor told my dad how lucky he was to sell it so fast and that his wife had a hand in it from upstairs. =)
Then, 2 months after mama passed away, Lisa learned she was pregnant with Abby Grace. She wasn’t even trying for a baby! This little girl literally saved our lives – our little “Saving Grace” I’ve tagged her b/c we were able to focus on planning for her arrival instead of sitting around dwelling on my mom not being here.
A few months later, I became pregnant with Emily Elaine. I just knew it she was a boy, but when the sonogram lady told us “it’s a girl,” I KNEW it was my mom’s way of intervening some how. She knew how special it would be for me and Lisa to have girls together. Plus, we have so much girl stuff from when we were little – little dresses, baby jewelry, dolls, etc. – all stuff my mom bought us that now our girls can have. So, both Emmie and Abby get to have things literally from their Mimi. =)
I have such bittersweet memories during the 2 months she was sick. It was such a WHIRLWIND - by the time we hit her funeral, I felt like my head was literally spinning and I was going to wake up from the nightmare at any moment.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream. But, my mom helped us get through the worse experience of our lives. We were literally able to grieve with her, which I feel really helped me accept the fact that she is gone. She is the bravest, most amazing person I’ve ever known. She helped us say goodbye – there would be no way I could’ve said goodbye without her preparing me.
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful tribute to your mother. I read these 2 entries with tears in my eyes. Your mother would be SO proud of you, Lisa and your beautiful baby girls. I didn't know your mom, but I can tell by the things you write she was an incredible lady! You are doing such a wonderful job of keeping her memory alive to Emily. She is very blessed to have you as a mommy.
Thanks for sharing your heart...it was a blessing to read.
Meredith